Reflections, Saints
7 Lessons Every Man Should Learn from St. Joseph
Today’s guest post is from a personal friend and great role model. Fr. Christian Raab, OSB is a monk and priest and seminary professor at Saint Meinrad Archabbey in Southern Indiana. You can read more of his homilies and reflections at “Feeling the Kingdom Kick”
St. Joseph is the husband of Mary and, for lack of a better term, the “foster father” of Jesus Christ. I take it for granted that fatherhood is a fulfillment of masculinity, and that all men are called to be fathers in some way, either in the family, the church, or by becoming mentors of some kind to others in society. Joseph has a lot to teach us about fatherhood, and thus, about Christian manhood.
1) Mission begins in obedience The first lesson we can learn from St. Joseph is that mission – and the father’s role is a mission – mission, whether we are male or female, begins in obedience. When we first meet St. Joseph in the gospels, he has just learned that Mary, to whom he is betrothed, is with child. St. Joseph plans to quietly end their engagement, but then he has a dream in which an angel says: “Joseph, Son of David, do not fear to take Mary your wife into your home. For it is through the holy Spirit that this child has been conceived in her. She will bear a son and you are to name him Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins” (Mt 1:20). This is a fascinating passage because, even though it reflects the highly unique situation of Joseph and Mary, it portrays something universal. John Paul II observes that Joseph’s story here closely parallels that of Mary.[1] Mary’s mission also begins with her obedience in faith to the angel of the Lord that she become mother to Jesus. Mary stands before the Lord as a handmaid, as a servant, receptive to his will. She cooperates with this higher will, and fulfills her mission, becomes fruitful, precisely through this cooperation. Elizabeth says of Mary “blessed is she who has believed” (Lk 1:45), for her faithful obedience was really the key which opened her mission. Men sometimes perceive obedience as weakness, as a compromise of their precious autonomy. But Joseph does a very similar thing to Mary. He listens to God and obeys. He is not the only male who does this in the scriptures. Disciple means one under a discipline, a rule. Apostle means “one sent.” In the gospels the Twelve are called disciples before they are called apostles. They must learn to follow before they can lead. They must practice obedience before they can exercise authority. This same ethos is preserved in the Church hierarchy where one must be ordained a deacon, a servant, before one can exercise authority as a priest or bishop. Mission begins and continues in obedience, in openness to and cooperation with the will of God, who is higher.
2) Fatherhood is about commitment A second lesson we can learn from Joseph is that fatherhood, is about commitment. We see this best by fast-forwarding a bit to that place in the Gospel where Joseph and Mary present the child Jesus in the temple. There, Joseph makes a sacrifice of two-turtle doves in accordance with the law (Lk 2:22-24). The scene is rather foreign to our 21st century experience but it represents something very important. It’s the ritual of the redemption of the first-born. In the background is the brutality of the ancient world where children were sometimes exposed to death and other times sacrificed to the gods. During the ritual, the father is asked if he intends to take responsibility for the child or abandon him at the altar. By going to the temple and sacrificing the doves instead of his son, Joseph was making a public declaration before God that he was taking responsibility for the child, that he did not intend to leave it to die, that he would keep and care for the child and was grateful for the opportunity. It’s opportune here to pause and reflect on the fact that fatherhood is different from motherhood in some ways. It is always less obvious. There is never any confusion about who a child’s mother is. There is no such thing as a maternity test. Fathers are and always have been at a disadvantage here. In fact, into the 20th century there were still indigenous cultures in the world that had never developed the notion of fatherhood (See Miller, 13). That probably seems very strange to us, but not if we really think about it. People in these places had not come to the scientific understanding that there was a connection between conjugal relations and reproduction. And, even if they had, if they did not practice monogamy, there was no reason to think that a child belonged to you rather than to another man. Motherhood is also different because it much harder to walk away from. If a woman becomes pregnant she will bear a child unless she wants to go through a painful abortion. Once the child is born her breasts will naturally produce milk, and unless she wants to endure pain in her chest, she will remain close to her child and nurse it. But fatherhood does not involve a comparable set of realities, of physical compulsions. It is fairly easy for a man to walk away once he has conceived a child. There are far fewer biological compulsions to remain near the child. To be a father, one has to make a choice. There is nothing automatic about it. Hence, Joseph’s action in the temple reflects a choice that fathers must make. In some sense, every father is an adoptive father, must make the choice to adopt his children. One can walk away or one can assume responsibility. Fatherhood requires intentionality, willed commitment.
3) Fathers help communicate identity. They give a child a place in the world and help them know their purpose and mission. In today’s world, the idea of identity being bestowed from outside, is threatening to many people. There is a modern trend of thinking that a person should be able to decide everything about who they are, not only their profession and spouse, but really everything, down to race and gender. It’s the American dream, right? You can be whoever you want to be. The idea that we are finite beings with particular, given, contours that make us who we are can be mighty unpopular when those contours are perceived as fixed. Even the Supreme Court ruled in its Casey vs. Planned Parenthood decision that “at the heart of liberty is the right to define one’s own concept of existence, of meaning, of the universe, of the mystery of human life.” But there is a naivety in this. We are born with certain genes, into certain families, in a certain culture, with certain opportunities or lack of opportunities. There is much about us that we cannot control. Much of who we are comes from outside. The modern instinct is to push back against all this givenness and treat it as a prison from which one must be liberated. In Jesus’ birth, nothing was left to chance. God chose for Christ to be born among a certain people at a certain time in history and into a certain family, with Joseph and Mary. From them, he received his place in the world, his cultural background, and his education in faith. Joseph is of particular importance in this process. When Jesus in enrolled in the census at Bethlehem, it is as “Jesus, son of Joseph of Nazareth” (Jn 1:45). In the genealogies of Matthew and Luke, Jesus is identified as a member of Joseph’s line. And he is called the “carpenter’s son” (Mt 13:55). Jesus’ identity in the world is closely linked with Joseph. Fathers have an important role in bestowing identity to their children. This is true from the very moment of conception. The sex of the child depends on which chromosome they receive from their father. Mother will always give an X. If the child is a girl, she also receives an X from her father. If the child is a boy, he receives a y from his father. The sex depends on the chromosome from the father. His genes determine this rather than the mother’s. While the father doesn’t make a conscious choice about this, the resulting sexual identity nevertheless reflects his particular biological contribution. That role of bestowing identity continues after birth. In the bible, father’s have the role of naming. One of the first things we see Adam tasked with doing is to name the animals. Later, Jesus will like giving names to his disciples, renaming Simon as Rocky, and John and James as the Sons of Thunder. Joseph was tasked with giving Jesus his name (cf. Mt 1:20). The angels says to Joseph, “you shall call his name Jesus.” Jesus’s name means “God saves.” As is pretty typical in the bible, names are connected with missions. Joseph, in naming Jesus, shows that he recognizes his son’s purpose and mission. Fathers can play a very helpful role in helping their children know their identity, both their identity as a member of one’s family, one’s culture, one’s church, as well as one’s unique identity through the discovery of one’s true purpose in life. Fathers should regard their children as gifts from God. They should see their own responsibility as helping that child to know who they are, what it means to belong to this family, this church, etc. Furthermore, they should keep an eye on the child’s natural gifts and help the child to recognize their true self which leads the child to know his or her mission. Not too long ago, my own father shared a journal entry he made about his kids around 1980. About me, I am the fourth of four, it said, “this one’s not going to be an athlete.” It did say, “he has a creative intellect.” I am grateful my dad recognized who I was and didn’t try to give me a different name than one that fit. He never forced sports on me. He supported the gifts I had, buying me books, engaging me in intellectual conversations. I was fortunate. When I got very serious about music for awhile, something he knew nothing about, he tried to connect me to people who did know something about it. He didn’t try to force an identity on me that wasn’t mine.
4) Fathers facilitate independence A fourth lesson we can learn from St. Joseph, and this is closely related to the third one. It’s the flipside. Fathers support the authentic freedom of their children. Childhood psychologists know that infants don’t really perceive much distinction between themselves and their mothers. Perhaps this shouldn’t surprise us. Children begin life inside their mother’s bodies to which they are literally attached through an umbilical cord. It isn’t until terrible toddler hood that they begin to assert themselves as someone distinct. That’s what all the saying “no” is about. They are asserting themselves as unique individuals. The father is crucial at this moment because he is the first person outside the symbiotic mother child relationship to which the child can bond. If a child and father create a successful bond, it gives the child confidence for life that he or she can form independent relationships, that he or she can find benevolence outside the protective maternal embrace. If the child is unsuccessful in this bonding with the father, he or she will often hold onto unhealthy dependence on the mother or mother figures throughout life. They may never experience internal freedom. In contemporary jargon, “they will fail to launch.” One of my favorite scenes in the Bible is the scene of Jesus as a twelve year old boy in the temple. He has become separated from Joseph and Mary. They have lost him, and they are understandably frightened. When they find him, Mary says: “Son, why have you done this to us? Your father and I have been looking for you with great anxiety” (Lk 2:48). Joseph’s part of the exchange is fascinating to me. If he was as worried as Mary was, and he might have been, he remained silent. Maybe he “got it” before Jesus said anything. This boy was doing what he needed to do, and the parents can no longer stand in the way. That’s the genius of fathers. They foster the child’s advance toward independence, toward their own path in life. Interestingly, in a way, Joseph has more right to be threatened by Jesus’ independence and mission than Mary does. Jesus talks about how he must be in his Father’s house, not his Mother’s house. Joseph could have become possessive at this moment, saying “I’m your father until you are 18,” but he doesn’t. Maybe he has some insight into Jesus’ vocation. Maybe he sees that the path Jesus is taking requires him to be in this place and about his Father in heaven’s business, even if this whole process requires some letting go by the parents. Joseph will not stand in the way. Perhaps he helped Mary not to stand in the way either.
5) Fathers take responsibility to mentor their sons in the area of sexuality A fifth lesson we can learn from St. Joseph about fatherhood is revealed by the circumcision of the Lord which is reported in Luke 2:21. It happened on the eighth day of Jesus life. It is a particularly important event for understanding the fathering of sons. In Jewish tradition, the father had the responsibility of carrying out the son’s circumcision (Gn 17:2; Lv 12:3), so we can assume Joseph would have done this himself. Today, not every male child is circumcised and the ones that are, are circumcised by doctors. But this does not mean that we cannot learn something from the ancient practice. Sexuality is easily one of the most complicated aspects of life and the sexual member is the most unruly part of the male body. It seems to have a mind of its own. Even for a chaste person, physiological responses are not always controllable the way one controls say the arms or the legs. It’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s just the way it is. But here is the genius of circumcision. For the Jews, it was a sign of their covenant with God. The covenant with God was a pledge from God’s side that he would remain ever faithful to his people. From man’s side, it was a promise to adhere to God’s law, to make him the Lord of one’s life. It’s rather genius, I must say, to put the sign, or reminder, of the covenant on the very part of the body that most expresses the whole arena of sexuality. It’s a reminder that God is Lord even of that part of one’s self. That he will be faithful to us and will not abandon us, and at the same time that we ought to do whatever we can to cooperate with God’s righteous will even in this sometimes unruly part of our life. That Jewish fathers were the ones who carried out the circumcision on their sons also says something profound about fatherhood. It indicates that they are part of this covenant their sons are involved in with God. It indicates that they have some responsibility here. Theologian John Miller writes: “In and through the circumcision ceremony, the father declares his readiness to care for and nurture this infant son to the end that he will study Torah (God’s law), eventually marry, and do good deeds. Thus, even though an infancy ritual, circumcision is performed with reference to that moment in life when this child will be a young adult.”[2] The father is thus pledged to mentor his male child in navigating the difficult waters of sexuality, and to order this sexuality to a proper and fruitful vocational end.
6) Fathers model chaste relationship A sixth lesson we can learn from Joseph comes from his liturgical title, “most chaste spouse.” Joseph and Mary obviously had an exceptional, unique marriage. The Church has consistently taught the perpetual virginity of Mary which means their union was never consummated. Not frequently by any means, but every few years, I get a question from a young person as to whether a couple today would be supported by the Church in establishing a marriage that was never consummated, a marriage like that of Joseph and Mary. The answer is no. Sexuality, conjugality, these are good things. Couples have to express openness to children in order to validly marry in the Catholic Church, and an inability to consummate can be grounds for annulment. In the view of the Church, sex within marriage is one of the best created goods there is. Joseph and Mary were exceptional. Their total continence is not something the Church holds up for literal and total imitation. But having got that out of the way, is there something to be imitated here? John Paul II thought there was. The part of Joseph and Mary’s marriage that we hold up for imitation is their spiritual, intellectual, and emotional union. They witness to the fact that there is more to marriage than sexual intimacy.[3] What’s the lesson for men today? Even if sex is a great created good, marriage is about intimacy on all kinds of levels – emotional, spiritual, and intellectual – and not just physical. It’s according to these other forms of intimacy that John Paul II recognizes a true marriage between Joseph and Mary. They truly loved each other as husband and wife. They had other ways of sharing that love. In an over sexualized, and over pornographied world, do not our children need to see their fathers loving their mothers in ways beyond only physical intimacy? Daughters who perceive that their mothers, or other women in her father’s life, are perceived by fathers mainly as sex objects, will grow up to think their only worth is in being a sex object, either to be used or to exert power. Sons will repeat their fathers patterns, use and be used, and never discover the joys of true friendship with a woman. When men show their children that they know how to enjoy their mother’s company in intellectual conversations, heart to heart sharing, and good clean fun, when they model such chaste (not virginal, but chaste) intimacy with their wives, they lay the foundations for self-respect and respecting of others for their children, and open doors for them to the possibilities of life-giving love.
7) Fathers perform sacrificial service through a: Protection, and b. Labor A seventh lesson we can learn from St. Joseph is that manhood and fatherhood are about sacrificial service. This service appears in the gospels as both protection and labor. We remember how very early on, Jesus’ life was threatened and Joseph took the family on the flight into Egypt in order to escape Herod and his plan to murder the innocents (Mt 2:19-21). Here Joseph was carrying out the very paternal role of protection. He doesn’t do it in a violent way. He did not have to. But it was his responsibility, and he did his duty. For this, Pope Leo XIII acclaimed him as “defender of the holy family.” There is an interesting thing about males. Parts of the brain that have to do with territorial protection, aggression, and risk taking are bigger and more active in male brains.[4] This is just biology and neuro-science. There is a likely evolutionary reason for this. Males are less necessary than mothers are to early childhood development. Males are never pregnant, and they do not nurse. And to continue an animal population you need far fewer males than females. Farmers know this and so much of the meat we eat is male. Mother nature knows it too. In mammalian species, males tend to be larger, stronger, have tougher hides, and bigger weapons like antlers and tusks. This is not reflective of any superiority of the male, or of a natural purpose of dominating females, but rather, of the male’s relative expendability. If a battle has to take place, if anyone has to get killed, mother nature wants it to be the males. The females are too important for the sake of the young. That’s why nature prefers males to be in the high risk situations. So that, if there is going to be blood, if someone has to die, it is the male.[5] Sailors always used to say “women and children first.” It reflects an instinct that not everyone appreciates today. Male strength, male risk taking, male courage – these things are nothing to be ashamed of – they are gifts given to males for the sake of protecting others. We ought to embrace the fact that men have these gifts. And we ought to help men direct them toward a proper end in sacrificial service for others. When we ignore their existence or say that males are no different from females, male risk taking and power have a tendency to rear their ugly head in destructive acts of violence. Of course, males can be overprotective, and this needs to be guarded against. When one is overprotective, there will be a backlash. So, it takes some wisdom about when to protect and when to foster independence. Joseph, in protecting his family from an outside threat, is a model of what true manhood looks like. He could have cooperated with the authorities. He could have thought only of his personal safety and handed over Jesus. Instead he risked his life by removing Mary and Jesus to Egypt. If they had been caught, Jesus would have been killed, but Joseph would have also paid. He would have been the one held responsible as a criminal. So he risked his life here for others. And he was able to realize it non-violently. He recognized a threat, and he removed his family from it, even though it required a brave and arduous journey. There is a lot to be learned from this man. Do we protect our families, not just from physical harm, but more importantly, from spiritual harm? Joseph’s sacrificial service also appears in a more quiet way through his daily labor. Joseph is celebrated as “the worker.” We don’t know much about this part of his life, but tradition has always held that Joseph labored daily throughout his life as a craftsman in order to provide a modest home and living for Mary and Jesus. He shows us the dignity of this daily grind, the nobility of – not the grand or dramatic act – but of getting up each day and going to work in order to serve others. Males are associated with work all the way from Genesis where Adam is assigned to guard and till the garden. Many males define themselves, for good or ill, by their work. There are scholars like socio-biologist Helen Fisher who have shown that males are highly motivated by things like status and titles and external recognition and rewards they get for their work. They have a natural attraction to it.[6] This hard working spirit is, again, nothing to be ashamed of. It should be celebrated. But we know that it can also become distorted into workaholism or self-aggrandizement. Joseph shows us the real purpose of work. There is a joy to be taken in the craft. There is an even greater joy to be taken in the ability work gives man to provide for others in his life. A man who can do that and see its worth gains a sense of dignity that cannot be easily taken from him. At the end of the day he can say to himself, “this meant something. I did this for the ones entrusted to me.”
[1] Cf. John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation Redemptoris Custos, On the Person and Mission of St. Joseph in the Life of Christ and of the Church, n.4 [2] John Miller, Calling God Father: Essays on the Bible, Fatherhood, and Culture (Mahwah, NJ: Paulist, 1999), 62. [3] Cf. John Paul II, Redemptoris Custos, n.19 [4] Cf. Louann Brizendine, The Male Brain (New York: Three Rivers Press, 2010). [5] Cf. Walter Ong, Fighting For Life: Contest, Sexuality, and Consciousness (Cornell University Press, 1981). [6] Helen Fischer, The First Sex: The Natural Talents of Women and How They are Changing the World (New York: Ballantine Books, 1999).
1) Mission begins in obedience The first lesson we can learn from St. Joseph is that mission – and the father’s role is a mission – mission, whether we are male or female, begins in obedience. When we first meet St. Joseph in the gospels, he has just learned that Mary, to whom he is betrothed, is with child. St. Joseph plans to quietly end their engagement, but then he has a dream in which an angel says: “Joseph, Son of David, do not fear to take Mary your wife into your home. For it is through the holy Spirit that this child has been conceived in her. She will bear a son and you are to name him Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins” (Mt 1:20). This is a fascinating passage because, even though it reflects the highly unique situation of Joseph and Mary, it portrays something universal. John Paul II observes that Joseph’s story here closely parallels that of Mary.[1] Mary’s mission also begins with her obedience in faith to the angel of the Lord that she become mother to Jesus. Mary stands before the Lord as a handmaid, as a servant, receptive to his will. She cooperates with this higher will, and fulfills her mission, becomes fruitful, precisely through this cooperation. Elizabeth says of Mary “blessed is she who has believed” (Lk 1:45), for her faithful obedience was really the key which opened her mission. Men sometimes perceive obedience as weakness, as a compromise of their precious autonomy. But Joseph does a very similar thing to Mary. He listens to God and obeys. He is not the only male who does this in the scriptures. Disciple means one under a discipline, a rule. Apostle means “one sent.” In the gospels the Twelve are called disciples before they are called apostles. They must learn to follow before they can lead. They must practice obedience before they can exercise authority. This same ethos is preserved in the Church hierarchy where one must be ordained a deacon, a servant, before one can exercise authority as a priest or bishop. Mission begins and continues in obedience, in openness to and cooperation with the will of God, who is higher.
2) Fatherhood is about commitment A second lesson we can learn from Joseph is that fatherhood, is about commitment. We see this best by fast-forwarding a bit to that place in the Gospel where Joseph and Mary present the child Jesus in the temple. There, Joseph makes a sacrifice of two-turtle doves in accordance with the law (Lk 2:22-24). The scene is rather foreign to our 21st century experience but it represents something very important. It’s the ritual of the redemption of the first-born. In the background is the brutality of the ancient world where children were sometimes exposed to death and other times sacrificed to the gods. During the ritual, the father is asked if he intends to take responsibility for the child or abandon him at the altar. By going to the temple and sacrificing the doves instead of his son, Joseph was making a public declaration before God that he was taking responsibility for the child, that he did not intend to leave it to die, that he would keep and care for the child and was grateful for the opportunity. It’s opportune here to pause and reflect on the fact that fatherhood is different from motherhood in some ways. It is always less obvious. There is never any confusion about who a child’s mother is. There is no such thing as a maternity test. Fathers are and always have been at a disadvantage here. In fact, into the 20th century there were still indigenous cultures in the world that had never developed the notion of fatherhood (See Miller, 13). That probably seems very strange to us, but not if we really think about it. People in these places had not come to the scientific understanding that there was a connection between conjugal relations and reproduction. And, even if they had, if they did not practice monogamy, there was no reason to think that a child belonged to you rather than to another man. Motherhood is also different because it much harder to walk away from. If a woman becomes pregnant she will bear a child unless she wants to go through a painful abortion. Once the child is born her breasts will naturally produce milk, and unless she wants to endure pain in her chest, she will remain close to her child and nurse it. But fatherhood does not involve a comparable set of realities, of physical compulsions. It is fairly easy for a man to walk away once he has conceived a child. There are far fewer biological compulsions to remain near the child. To be a father, one has to make a choice. There is nothing automatic about it. Hence, Joseph’s action in the temple reflects a choice that fathers must make. In some sense, every father is an adoptive father, must make the choice to adopt his children. One can walk away or one can assume responsibility. Fatherhood requires intentionality, willed commitment.
3) Fathers help communicate identity. They give a child a place in the world and help them know their purpose and mission. In today’s world, the idea of identity being bestowed from outside, is threatening to many people. There is a modern trend of thinking that a person should be able to decide everything about who they are, not only their profession and spouse, but really everything, down to race and gender. It’s the American dream, right? You can be whoever you want to be. The idea that we are finite beings with particular, given, contours that make us who we are can be mighty unpopular when those contours are perceived as fixed. Even the Supreme Court ruled in its Casey vs. Planned Parenthood decision that “at the heart of liberty is the right to define one’s own concept of existence, of meaning, of the universe, of the mystery of human life.” But there is a naivety in this. We are born with certain genes, into certain families, in a certain culture, with certain opportunities or lack of opportunities. There is much about us that we cannot control. Much of who we are comes from outside. The modern instinct is to push back against all this givenness and treat it as a prison from which one must be liberated. In Jesus’ birth, nothing was left to chance. God chose for Christ to be born among a certain people at a certain time in history and into a certain family, with Joseph and Mary. From them, he received his place in the world, his cultural background, and his education in faith. Joseph is of particular importance in this process. When Jesus in enrolled in the census at Bethlehem, it is as “Jesus, son of Joseph of Nazareth” (Jn 1:45). In the genealogies of Matthew and Luke, Jesus is identified as a member of Joseph’s line. And he is called the “carpenter’s son” (Mt 13:55). Jesus’ identity in the world is closely linked with Joseph. Fathers have an important role in bestowing identity to their children. This is true from the very moment of conception. The sex of the child depends on which chromosome they receive from their father. Mother will always give an X. If the child is a girl, she also receives an X from her father. If the child is a boy, he receives a y from his father. The sex depends on the chromosome from the father. His genes determine this rather than the mother’s. While the father doesn’t make a conscious choice about this, the resulting sexual identity nevertheless reflects his particular biological contribution. That role of bestowing identity continues after birth. In the bible, father’s have the role of naming. One of the first things we see Adam tasked with doing is to name the animals. Later, Jesus will like giving names to his disciples, renaming Simon as Rocky, and John and James as the Sons of Thunder. Joseph was tasked with giving Jesus his name (cf. Mt 1:20). The angels says to Joseph, “you shall call his name Jesus.” Jesus’s name means “God saves.” As is pretty typical in the bible, names are connected with missions. Joseph, in naming Jesus, shows that he recognizes his son’s purpose and mission. Fathers can play a very helpful role in helping their children know their identity, both their identity as a member of one’s family, one’s culture, one’s church, as well as one’s unique identity through the discovery of one’s true purpose in life. Fathers should regard their children as gifts from God. They should see their own responsibility as helping that child to know who they are, what it means to belong to this family, this church, etc. Furthermore, they should keep an eye on the child’s natural gifts and help the child to recognize their true self which leads the child to know his or her mission. Not too long ago, my own father shared a journal entry he made about his kids around 1980. About me, I am the fourth of four, it said, “this one’s not going to be an athlete.” It did say, “he has a creative intellect.” I am grateful my dad recognized who I was and didn’t try to give me a different name than one that fit. He never forced sports on me. He supported the gifts I had, buying me books, engaging me in intellectual conversations. I was fortunate. When I got very serious about music for awhile, something he knew nothing about, he tried to connect me to people who did know something about it. He didn’t try to force an identity on me that wasn’t mine.
4) Fathers facilitate independence A fourth lesson we can learn from St. Joseph, and this is closely related to the third one. It’s the flipside. Fathers support the authentic freedom of their children. Childhood psychologists know that infants don’t really perceive much distinction between themselves and their mothers. Perhaps this shouldn’t surprise us. Children begin life inside their mother’s bodies to which they are literally attached through an umbilical cord. It isn’t until terrible toddler hood that they begin to assert themselves as someone distinct. That’s what all the saying “no” is about. They are asserting themselves as unique individuals. The father is crucial at this moment because he is the first person outside the symbiotic mother child relationship to which the child can bond. If a child and father create a successful bond, it gives the child confidence for life that he or she can form independent relationships, that he or she can find benevolence outside the protective maternal embrace. If the child is unsuccessful in this bonding with the father, he or she will often hold onto unhealthy dependence on the mother or mother figures throughout life. They may never experience internal freedom. In contemporary jargon, “they will fail to launch.” One of my favorite scenes in the Bible is the scene of Jesus as a twelve year old boy in the temple. He has become separated from Joseph and Mary. They have lost him, and they are understandably frightened. When they find him, Mary says: “Son, why have you done this to us? Your father and I have been looking for you with great anxiety” (Lk 2:48). Joseph’s part of the exchange is fascinating to me. If he was as worried as Mary was, and he might have been, he remained silent. Maybe he “got it” before Jesus said anything. This boy was doing what he needed to do, and the parents can no longer stand in the way. That’s the genius of fathers. They foster the child’s advance toward independence, toward their own path in life. Interestingly, in a way, Joseph has more right to be threatened by Jesus’ independence and mission than Mary does. Jesus talks about how he must be in his Father’s house, not his Mother’s house. Joseph could have become possessive at this moment, saying “I’m your father until you are 18,” but he doesn’t. Maybe he has some insight into Jesus’ vocation. Maybe he sees that the path Jesus is taking requires him to be in this place and about his Father in heaven’s business, even if this whole process requires some letting go by the parents. Joseph will not stand in the way. Perhaps he helped Mary not to stand in the way either.
5) Fathers take responsibility to mentor their sons in the area of sexuality A fifth lesson we can learn from St. Joseph about fatherhood is revealed by the circumcision of the Lord which is reported in Luke 2:21. It happened on the eighth day of Jesus life. It is a particularly important event for understanding the fathering of sons. In Jewish tradition, the father had the responsibility of carrying out the son’s circumcision (Gn 17:2; Lv 12:3), so we can assume Joseph would have done this himself. Today, not every male child is circumcised and the ones that are, are circumcised by doctors. But this does not mean that we cannot learn something from the ancient practice. Sexuality is easily one of the most complicated aspects of life and the sexual member is the most unruly part of the male body. It seems to have a mind of its own. Even for a chaste person, physiological responses are not always controllable the way one controls say the arms or the legs. It’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s just the way it is. But here is the genius of circumcision. For the Jews, it was a sign of their covenant with God. The covenant with God was a pledge from God’s side that he would remain ever faithful to his people. From man’s side, it was a promise to adhere to God’s law, to make him the Lord of one’s life. It’s rather genius, I must say, to put the sign, or reminder, of the covenant on the very part of the body that most expresses the whole arena of sexuality. It’s a reminder that God is Lord even of that part of one’s self. That he will be faithful to us and will not abandon us, and at the same time that we ought to do whatever we can to cooperate with God’s righteous will even in this sometimes unruly part of our life. That Jewish fathers were the ones who carried out the circumcision on their sons also says something profound about fatherhood. It indicates that they are part of this covenant their sons are involved in with God. It indicates that they have some responsibility here. Theologian John Miller writes: “In and through the circumcision ceremony, the father declares his readiness to care for and nurture this infant son to the end that he will study Torah (God’s law), eventually marry, and do good deeds. Thus, even though an infancy ritual, circumcision is performed with reference to that moment in life when this child will be a young adult.”[2] The father is thus pledged to mentor his male child in navigating the difficult waters of sexuality, and to order this sexuality to a proper and fruitful vocational end.
6) Fathers model chaste relationship A sixth lesson we can learn from Joseph comes from his liturgical title, “most chaste spouse.” Joseph and Mary obviously had an exceptional, unique marriage. The Church has consistently taught the perpetual virginity of Mary which means their union was never consummated. Not frequently by any means, but every few years, I get a question from a young person as to whether a couple today would be supported by the Church in establishing a marriage that was never consummated, a marriage like that of Joseph and Mary. The answer is no. Sexuality, conjugality, these are good things. Couples have to express openness to children in order to validly marry in the Catholic Church, and an inability to consummate can be grounds for annulment. In the view of the Church, sex within marriage is one of the best created goods there is. Joseph and Mary were exceptional. Their total continence is not something the Church holds up for literal and total imitation. But having got that out of the way, is there something to be imitated here? John Paul II thought there was. The part of Joseph and Mary’s marriage that we hold up for imitation is their spiritual, intellectual, and emotional union. They witness to the fact that there is more to marriage than sexual intimacy.[3] What’s the lesson for men today? Even if sex is a great created good, marriage is about intimacy on all kinds of levels – emotional, spiritual, and intellectual – and not just physical. It’s according to these other forms of intimacy that John Paul II recognizes a true marriage between Joseph and Mary. They truly loved each other as husband and wife. They had other ways of sharing that love. In an over sexualized, and over pornographied world, do not our children need to see their fathers loving their mothers in ways beyond only physical intimacy? Daughters who perceive that their mothers, or other women in her father’s life, are perceived by fathers mainly as sex objects, will grow up to think their only worth is in being a sex object, either to be used or to exert power. Sons will repeat their fathers patterns, use and be used, and never discover the joys of true friendship with a woman. When men show their children that they know how to enjoy their mother’s company in intellectual conversations, heart to heart sharing, and good clean fun, when they model such chaste (not virginal, but chaste) intimacy with their wives, they lay the foundations for self-respect and respecting of others for their children, and open doors for them to the possibilities of life-giving love.
7) Fathers perform sacrificial service through a: Protection, and b. Labor A seventh lesson we can learn from St. Joseph is that manhood and fatherhood are about sacrificial service. This service appears in the gospels as both protection and labor. We remember how very early on, Jesus’ life was threatened and Joseph took the family on the flight into Egypt in order to escape Herod and his plan to murder the innocents (Mt 2:19-21). Here Joseph was carrying out the very paternal role of protection. He doesn’t do it in a violent way. He did not have to. But it was his responsibility, and he did his duty. For this, Pope Leo XIII acclaimed him as “defender of the holy family.” There is an interesting thing about males. Parts of the brain that have to do with territorial protection, aggression, and risk taking are bigger and more active in male brains.[4] This is just biology and neuro-science. There is a likely evolutionary reason for this. Males are less necessary than mothers are to early childhood development. Males are never pregnant, and they do not nurse. And to continue an animal population you need far fewer males than females. Farmers know this and so much of the meat we eat is male. Mother nature knows it too. In mammalian species, males tend to be larger, stronger, have tougher hides, and bigger weapons like antlers and tusks. This is not reflective of any superiority of the male, or of a natural purpose of dominating females, but rather, of the male’s relative expendability. If a battle has to take place, if anyone has to get killed, mother nature wants it to be the males. The females are too important for the sake of the young. That’s why nature prefers males to be in the high risk situations. So that, if there is going to be blood, if someone has to die, it is the male.[5] Sailors always used to say “women and children first.” It reflects an instinct that not everyone appreciates today. Male strength, male risk taking, male courage – these things are nothing to be ashamed of – they are gifts given to males for the sake of protecting others. We ought to embrace the fact that men have these gifts. And we ought to help men direct them toward a proper end in sacrificial service for others. When we ignore their existence or say that males are no different from females, male risk taking and power have a tendency to rear their ugly head in destructive acts of violence. Of course, males can be overprotective, and this needs to be guarded against. When one is overprotective, there will be a backlash. So, it takes some wisdom about when to protect and when to foster independence. Joseph, in protecting his family from an outside threat, is a model of what true manhood looks like. He could have cooperated with the authorities. He could have thought only of his personal safety and handed over Jesus. Instead he risked his life by removing Mary and Jesus to Egypt. If they had been caught, Jesus would have been killed, but Joseph would have also paid. He would have been the one held responsible as a criminal. So he risked his life here for others. And he was able to realize it non-violently. He recognized a threat, and he removed his family from it, even though it required a brave and arduous journey. There is a lot to be learned from this man. Do we protect our families, not just from physical harm, but more importantly, from spiritual harm? Joseph’s sacrificial service also appears in a more quiet way through his daily labor. Joseph is celebrated as “the worker.” We don’t know much about this part of his life, but tradition has always held that Joseph labored daily throughout his life as a craftsman in order to provide a modest home and living for Mary and Jesus. He shows us the dignity of this daily grind, the nobility of – not the grand or dramatic act – but of getting up each day and going to work in order to serve others. Males are associated with work all the way from Genesis where Adam is assigned to guard and till the garden. Many males define themselves, for good or ill, by their work. There are scholars like socio-biologist Helen Fisher who have shown that males are highly motivated by things like status and titles and external recognition and rewards they get for their work. They have a natural attraction to it.[6] This hard working spirit is, again, nothing to be ashamed of. It should be celebrated. But we know that it can also become distorted into workaholism or self-aggrandizement. Joseph shows us the real purpose of work. There is a joy to be taken in the craft. There is an even greater joy to be taken in the ability work gives man to provide for others in his life. A man who can do that and see its worth gains a sense of dignity that cannot be easily taken from him. At the end of the day he can say to himself, “this meant something. I did this for the ones entrusted to me.”
Oh, Saint Joseph, foster-father of Jesus, most pure spouse of the Virgin Mary, pray for us daily to the same Jesus, the Son of God, that we, being defended by the power of His grace and striving faithfully in life, may be crowned by Him at the hour of death. Amen. Blessed St. Joseph, I consecrate myself to your honor and give myself to you, that you may always be my father, my protector and my guide in the way of salvation. Obtain for me great purity of heart and a fervent love of the interior life. After your example, may I perform my actions for the greater Glory of God, in union with the Divine Heart of Jesus and the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Pray for me, Saint Joseph, that I may experience the peace and joy of your holy death. Amen. Glorious Saint Joseph, spouse of the immaculate Virgin, obtain for me a pure, humble, charitable mind, and perfect resignation to the divine Will. Be my guide, my father, and my model through life that I may merit to die as you did in the arms of Jesus and Mary. Amen.
[1] Cf. John Paul II, Apostolic Exhortation Redemptoris Custos, On the Person and Mission of St. Joseph in the Life of Christ and of the Church, n.4 [2] John Miller, Calling God Father: Essays on the Bible, Fatherhood, and Culture (Mahwah, NJ: Paulist, 1999), 62. [3] Cf. John Paul II, Redemptoris Custos, n.19 [4] Cf. Louann Brizendine, The Male Brain (New York: Three Rivers Press, 2010). [5] Cf. Walter Ong, Fighting For Life: Contest, Sexuality, and Consciousness (Cornell University Press, 1981). [6] Helen Fischer, The First Sex: The Natural Talents of Women and How They are Changing the World (New York: Ballantine Books, 1999).